Being a better lover often has less to do with your bedroom skills. What often matters more is how you communicate and listen to your partner. It also helps to be confident and comfortable with sex.
Key Takeaways:
- Listen to your partner’s verbal and non-verbal cues to understand their desires and preferences.
- Communicate openly about likes, dislikes, and fantasies to enhance mutual pleasure.
- Build confidence by practicing self-love, curating positive digital spaces, and seeking therapy if needed.
- Show enthusiasm during sex by complimenting, affirming, and expressing appreciation for your partner.
Listen to your partner’s verbal and non-verbal cues
“If you’re completely ignoring your partner’s attempts to communicate with you, and steamrolling them into doing whatever you want, you’re a bad lover,” she says. To be honest, at this point, you’re not having sex with your partner — you’re violating them.
Your move: Tune into what your partner is saying with their words, mouths, hands, and body.
“Are they shifting their hips away from you, or toward you?”
These body cues can give you insight into what they like and don’t like.
Communicate
“Your partner isn’t a mind-reader,” Stubbs says. “For them to know what you do and don’t like, you have to tell them.”
For the record, she says, communicating can be as simple as saying:
“That feels good! How does it feel for you?”
“Yes! That!”
“A little more pressure, please!”
“Is your tongue getting tired?”
“Can you do that thing you were doing earlier instead?”
Give gifts, not challenges
Forget the earrings, necklaces, and ties. A romantic gift for a person with MS should be something that doesn’t require great dexterity.
Broadly speaking, it usually comes down to three main things
Confidence
Confidence is a work in progress for everybody — but it’s work worth doing especially, if you want to be a better lover,
Confidence is key to asking for what you want in bed, graciously receiving feedback from your partner, and more.
To build up confidence :
- repeating a self-love mantra to yourself every morning
- curating your digital spaces and unfollowing people who make you question your worth
- writing a list of things you like about yourself every week
- leaving a partner who puts you down
- trying therapy
Communication
Sensing a common theme?
Communication should be happening before, during, and after bad.
Enthusiasm
Enthusiasm is a strong excitement of feeling.
In other words, it’s the antithesis of apathy.
And who the heck wants to get it on with someone who’s acting about having sex with them? Specific kinks aside, very few pleasure seekers do.
Some ways to express enthusiasm during sex:
- Tell them you like how they look, smell, taste, or feel.
- Compliment them.
- Verbally and nonverbally affirm what feels good.
Live in the now
Shy away from making long-range plans, but if you do, stay flexible. MS is unpredictable and can change within minutes.
If you’ve been seeing each other for a few months, try this
There are ways to be a better lover to your new partner.
Begin talking about sex more
Specifically: When you’re fully clothed.
“Talking about sex outside the bedroom automatically makes it a lower stakes conversation,” Carly says. “Because of that, it can become easier for people to talk about their fantasies, desires, likes, dislikes, and more.”
You might do this by:
asking your partner if they find a sex scene on the screen hot
inviting your partner to help you pick out underwear
watching a sexy music video together
telling your partner when you feel randomly aroused
sharing your sex dreams with your partner
Make a yes/no/maybe list together
Whether you and your partner see yourselves as being sexually adventurous, or not, Stubbs recommends spending an evening filling out a yes/no/maybe list
“Doing so will give you both an opportunity to talk about your desires openly,” she says, “which is something good lovers give their partner’s space to do.”
If you’re long term, try this
Want to be here for a long time and a good time (in bed)? Try these:
Start a book club with your partner
“Reading a book about sex with your partner can help give you language for things in your sex life you want to talk about, but didn’t previously have the language for,” Stubbs says. “It’s also fun and can give you some new ideas.”
Some books you might read together:
- “She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman” by Ian Kerner
- “Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science That Will Transform Your Sex Life” by Emily Nagoski
- “A Quick & Easy Guide to Sex & Disability” by A. Andrews
- “Girl Sex 101: A Queer Pleasure Guide For Women and Their Lovers” by Allison Moon and illustrated by KD Diamond
- “The Game of Desire: 5 Surprising Secrets to Dating with Dominance — and Getting What You Want” by Shan Boodram
The bottom line
That one caveat withstanding, being bad in bed may not be possible.
But it doesn’t mean that improving your communication skills, learning to express your enthusiasm, working on your self-confidence and ego, and adding new “sextivities” to your repertoire can’t make you a better lover — they all can.
